Diaries of a New York JDater Part 6: Nice Jewish Girl Seeking… Blog Material

There is no such thing as six degrees of separation in the Jewish community. Regardless of whether you live in Austin, New York, St. Louis, Tel Aviv, Budapest, or Miami, there is always that one mutual person that connects the both of you. This can make a simple interaction on JDate get incredibly awkward, and funny, and cause you to reconsider why you’re actually in the New York network in the first place.

I got an email last week from this girl, who I’ll call Tide in the City (she’s an Alabama fan). Her message to me is “Have you ever been to the Dr. Pepper Museum in Waco?” Followed up with a message “It’s my favorite place in Texas”, after I told her it was “Ok”.

Since I know she is probably going to read this, I won’t completely bash her choice of tourist destination, but when compared to other things in Texas, the Dr. Pepper Museum does not make my top 30. As I told her, having the museum be your favorite destination in Texas is like having a McDonald’s on Broadway be your favorite place in NYC.

We continue emailing, and I find out she has family in Waco. My roommate happens to be from Waco. So naturally, I show her the email conversation, and she starts cracking up.

“Adam, that’s my cousin. End this conversation right now. She also has a blog”.

I quickly IMed TIC and apologized, and she told me she had a blog, which I’ll link here. With that, I ended my affiliation with the NYC network, and put a halt on any more random interactions I’ll have with East Coast women via JDate for the time being.


Diaries of a New York JDater Part V: Hittin the Right Direction with a Lyrical Connection

I’m a sucker for women with creative screen names.

I’m also a sucker for women with creative “About Me’s”

I’m also a sucker for a woman who can effectively compose a solid limerick.

With that, I bring you Hillarious in Hoboken:

Her Profile- “describe a history of your life” section:

The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it….

My question to her:

Did your father also claim to invent the rhetorical question?

Her Response:

I like your profile and what you have to say,
Original and thoughtful in every way,
And while freestyle rap may not be your calling,
I’d have to agree that neither is balling.
I liked Starks while you liked Mike,
So back in the day I would’ve said “take a hike”
But your email was funny and so was your about me,
So I thought I’d write back to you because you’re also pretty.


Bonus points for the John Starks reference.


Introducing… “The Process”

While my experiences on JDate so far have been nothing short of interesting, I take great pleasure in hearing better stories from some of my friends.

Take my friend and co-worker *Brock Landers (name redacted) for example. Brock is an Alabama boy, who bought a motorcycle during his quarter-life crisis, who, when faced with the obstacle of hooking up with a girl when a Crimson Tide game happens to be on, will DVR the girl and watch the Tide roll in real time.

Brock has also lived everywhere in the USA, which has given him perspectives on girls from all shapes and sizes (literally, all shapes and sizes).

Because of Brock’s stature as a tall, semi-tone, white Southern boy, and his care-free attitude, girls come running to him. Take *Keisha (name redacted) for example, an Italian stallion with the strong-willed and loud personality that rivals Fran Drescher, who will do anything to try and see Brock, but remind him several times over that “we are only here to hang out”.

This one particular Friday on a slow late Friday afternoon, Brock and I were kicking back recapping the week’s events, when he receives a call from the descendant of Mussolini. Why she called is anyone’s guess, but from there it was free play.

I wish every girl would have listened to this conversation. Brock put her on speakerphone, and we just had a field day. Due to the fact that certain members of my family read this and are already disgusted with what I’ve currently wrote, I’ll leave out some of the more ridiculously raunchy details. When pressed by Brock and myself through post-it notes about some of her sexual tendencies, she uttered this nugget, which will aptly end this post:

“*Brock Landers, if we are going to have sex again, I need you to not make animal noises”.

And that, readers, is the legend of Brock Landers.

Diaries of a New York JDater Part Four: Our country is really effed

Most of the conversations I have on JDate are very basic and lack any sort of depth whatsoever. There are those women who can keep up and give some great nuggets that are hillarious. Take this New Jersey teacher for instance:

Her: So how a good southern boy end up in the city?

Me: Well, when the south seceded from the union in November 2008 due to the election of a man with a funny name and a great jump shot, I decided to move from the temple of Bush to the land of my idol Carrie Bradshaw

Her: Interesting thought process, I don’t remember learning about that in my history classes. Though Cowboys Statdium could probably be its own country. And why is Carrie Bradshaw your idol? You don’t seem like th guy who would wear 6 inch heels

Me: Carrie bradshaw isnt, I much prefer samantha- more forthcoming and adventerous than constantly crazy carrie. She was just the first person I thought of. You don’t learn that in New York, but when I was in school, we were taught to believe Barack Obama was really the next great Dallas Cowboys running back, and I think some of the chuch going conservatives were really upset when he won the Heisman in 2008 over wily veteran John McCain who came from a much more lily white traditional background.

Wait….. we aren’t on Jdate to talk about football are we?

Her: I understood exactly what you just said after living in the Bible Belt for 5 years. One of my 4 year old students told me our presidents name was Abomanation Muslim because he wasn’t white and a devout christian. Shows what those church going conservatives know.
So what do you do when you are not tyring to be the ultimate combination of Will Smith and Michael Jordan?

Who said 4 year olds can’t  have political views?

Diaries of a New York JDater Part Three: Orthodox, Ginger, and lacking command of the English language

She viewed my profile and initiated contact with me right after North Texas made a crucial 4th down stop in the 4th quarter.

Devil Ginger Orthodox Girl:  hi

Me:  ola

Her:  wassup

me:  watching football on 3 difference screens

me:  you

her:  if im into football its only vicariously through you

her:  i admire your dedication and technological multitasking

her:  are you going to rap to your bride at your wedding?

me:  depends

me:  technological multitasking is great

me:  if football was on during the weekday afternoon i would combine it with work

me:  why are you not into sports

me:  you are in new york

me:  thats like being in vegas and not being into compulsive gambling and strippers

her:  i think sports are a level below torah, yet sports fans and torah scholars are all after the same thing.. torah scholars just get there more efficiently

me:  you must be really orthodox

her:  maybe i shouldnt be in nyc lol let me head bac to jerusalem

her:  give shyne my passport lmao take his apartment

me:  i dont do torah that much

me:  sports>torah

me:  espn is my torah

her:  im not going to agree but i still like you

me:  you are aggresively flirting with me

her:  what?

her:  lol

me:  so do you want to have a conversation about this week’s parsha or the fact that my alma mater’s quarterback can’t convert a third down

her:  are you trying to be hostile or something

me:  *quarterback

me:  nope

me:  slightly sarcastic

her:  u dont think people with different interests can get along?

me:  they do

me:  I’m thoroughly enjoying this conversation

her:  your accent might be throwing me off

her:  southern drawl = different language in my ears

her:  😛

me:  it sounds the same when you type English words into a computer

her:  im fascinated by texas. if not jlem im moving to austin or dallas for sure

her:  just gota learn the language first

her:  get my drawl on

me:  english?

her:  lol

her:  i think england has got a hold of english

her:  i know east coastish

her:  and you, texish

her:  do you have a puppy?

me:  my roommate does

her:  can i play with her?

me:  no I keep her in a cage

her:  that shouldnt deter me

her:  still wanna play

me:  do you cook and clean

her:  are you back to sarcasm?

me:  only if you don’t want to play with my dog

her:  um

me:  speechless

Diaries of a New York City JDater: Part Two: Of Candy Bars and Con Law

My second conversation was actually quite a pleasant one, which ended on my count because the North Texas game was on. While I can’t post the six page conversation in its entirety…. I will post several excerpts, as this was quite enjoyable due to the dearth of subjects it covered. 

Law Girl:  are you from austin originally?
Me:  Dallas
Me:  Are you a born and raised NYC girl
Her:  born in queens, but we lived in upstate new york for a while, then jersey
Me:  I’m a fan of jersey
Her:  so close enough
Me:  cherry hill
Her:  hah are you? not many people seem to be these days..
Me:  I mean not jersey shore
Her:  yeah i know cherry hill. haven’t been there though
Me:  It’s very… suburban
Her:  right. i mean a lot of jersey is. except for like hoboken and jersey city
Me  One time I took a $1.25 bus from Newark to NYC
Me:  most cultural experience ever
Her:  hah i’ll bet
Me:  I felt like jamie kennedy in malibu’s most wanted
Her:  i ride a little spanish bus from paramus to the GW bridge and i thougt i was getting a good deal ($4) but that’s just impressive

Her:  haha omg. jamie kennedy. haven’t thought about that guy in so long
Me:  I’m a fan of white guys in black comedies
Me:  jamie kennedy had that one movie, and then nothing
Her:  it’s like a very 90’s/early 2000’s concept i feel like
Me:  no way
Me:  you ever watch the friday series?
Her:  with Ice cube?
Me:  YES
Me:  before he went not so gangster
Her:  i’ve seen half of one i think..
Her:  yeah what was that one family one he did..
Me:  are we there yet?
Her:  must’ve lost a lot of street cred there
Her:  yes

Me:  agreed

Me:  I’m an inside out oreo
Me:  I also buy inside out oreos
Me:  less stain on your teeth
Her:  haha. that’s interesting.. never heard anyone describe themselves that way before
Her:  they don’t taste as good though!
Her:  might as well just go for the Hit cookies then
Me:  Hit cookies?
Me:  no way- I’m a keebler fan and oreos
Me:  and chewy chips ahoy
Me:  what about you?
Her:  love chewy chips ahoy..
Her:  umm those ones that are like biscuits but have that chocolate layer.. i can’t remember the names but they’re in a blue box
Me:  I wish I knew what you were talking about
Me:  how do you feel about nutter butter?
Her:  hah yeah sorry. not so descriptive
Her:  um they’re alright. i’m not the biggest fan of peanut butter so it’s tough.
Her:  reeses of course are good, but that’s the exception
me:  reeses are solid
me:  i used to like pay day
me:  but the salt was too much
me:  but the peanut butter… was legendary
her:  yeah why were they so salty?
her:  hah yes.
me:  i dunno
me:  they really shot themselves in the foot with the trying to lose weight crowd
her:  the kit kat big crunches are pretty good too. the regular ones kinda taste plastic to me now
her:  pay day?
her:  idk. i guess you can say that about all candies though
me:  true
me:  i dunno
me:  i dont get that feeling with snickers
me:  especially snickers peanut butter
her:  because they’re so small?
me:  a little too small though
me:  they feel so great in and around your mouth, but then its like what the hell
me:  cause the cookies are gone
me:  and you’re left with an empty feeling
her:  interesting..
her:  yeah they’re definitely not as good as the original
her:  and the peanut butter is a little too much
her:  three muskateers are good too. and you don’t feel like crap after having one
me:  true
me:  I’m sensing a slight animosity towards penaut butter
me:  did your mother feed you too much peanut butter and not enough jelly as a kid?
her:  hahaha
her:  you know. i think i would eat only peanut butter sandwiches (no jelly)
her:  so maybe i just overdid it
me:  it happens
her:  idk i just don’t love it in candy. and reeses cereal was the absolute worst
me:  reeses cereal was awful
me:  but you cant clone greatness
me:  see: michael jordan in baseball


her:  what’s your favorite type

me:  mexican or indian
me:  two not very smart date foods
her:  hah yeah, definitely not
her:  very good though
me:  yes
me:  indian buffet fan?
her:  actually yes
her:  there was a really good place on bleeker i used to go all the time in college. i haven’t been back in a while though..
me:  nice
me:  I’m a huge mexican fan though
me:  and soul food
me:  my ideal meal would be fried chicken with grape drink, kool-aid and some naan bread with a side of gefilte fish

her:  sounds good except for the gefilte..

her:  i’ve never actually tried it but i can’t get past the smell
me:  maybe some babka
me:  i have to include my jewish roots somehow
her:  much better
her:  babka is awesome. idk why though but i feel like it’s never really filling
me:  its not
me:  thats why its desert
me:  rather than dinner
her:  really? we usually eat it as a side
me:  I mean it makes for nice hors d’oreevres when you are hosting an eloquent dinner party
her:  hah. i’ll keep that in mind for my next eloquent dinner party
me:  you should
me:  goes great with intellignet tv
me:  and classical rap music
her:  what’s classical rap music
me:  tupac
me:  biggie
me:  grandmaster flash
me:  anything made before 2010

Diaries of a New York City JDater: Part One

After one week of JDate, my buddy Mark told me to switch my profile to New York City, in hopes of attracting more views and having more conversations to improve my investment. The following two entries detail my first two conversations (one conversation in full, the other excerpts of one) with two of Manhattan’s finest.

Me:  hey- i see you dance. I also dance, when I am slightly inibriated and when either parliament funkadelic, naughty by nature or jock james is on

*** Waiting for Skinny Pale Dancer to connect

*** Skinny Pale Dancer’s IM window is open

Her:  haha you any good?

Me:  Well, they had me as an alternate for High School Musical, but I lost out to Zack Efron and 7,000 other people because I had two left feet

Her:  lol

Me:  It scarred me

Me:  just like when I didnt make my 5th grade choir

Me:  I couldnt sing in the shower for a couple of years

her:  sad

Me:  alright, so tell me a little bit about you, obviously you know my failings and the fact that I’m alternating between this conversation and the baylor-west virginia football game

Her:  what do you want to know

Me:  why you happen to be on jdate at 345 pm on a saturday afternoon

Me:  when you could be pregaming for the yankee game

Her:  haha well i just got back from a class at the gym with my friend

Me:  pilates?

Her:  zumba

Her:  with a real dancer, great class

Her:  we go every saturday and monday

Me:  channing tatum?

Her  nope

Me:  patrick swayze jr

Me:  i tried zumba once

Me:  didnt have the ass for it

ME  according to the instructor

*** Skinny Pale Dancer’s IM window is closed

Obviously this girl wasn’t much for sarcasm. I should’ve known by her profile. She was really about being taken to a swanky Manhattan restaurant, and then having that followed up with chocolate dishes I cannot pronounce. Clearly there will not be a 3 AM late night Jdate conversation any time soon.